Post by BBQ Butcher on Nov 15, 2009 7:57:19 GMT -5
Yup, there are two #31's 
THE RULES OF THE SOUTH ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I
drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get
out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 & I-40 goes
east and west, I-75 & I-95 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers and combines that are driven only 3
weeks a year, and John Deere tractors that cost way over
$100,000.
6. So, every person in the south waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming
in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.. You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2
pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks
in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet
and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she
better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have
long hair. And crack better refer to what those disgusting low
riding pants allow the world to see!
14. College and High School Football is as important here as
the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15.. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish and the gators.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State
Universities , Universities, Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come
outta there with an education plus a love for God and country,
and they still drive trucks and wave at everybody when they
come for the holidays.
17. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
___ ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than
we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
18. If i see your middle finger and it is meant for me,i will run you down and beat the piss out of you! We don't care how you did it up north!
19. If you build a 300K 4000 square foot house on your property we will make sure your neighbors live in the rustiest most decrepid old trailer in the country.
20. In addition to your neighbors trailer they will have family members live in an old camper out back.
21. No she didnt go to college, she graduated highschool and got a job as a waitress/bartender so she could meet some soldier here for training, get herself knocked up, and either draw half his BAH or get married and get the hell out of the State
22. No you cant buy a draft beer because that would somehow offend the baptists.
23. Bible Belt my ass Ive met more single mothers down here than at a PTA meeting.
24. Yeah we brag about our lifted 4x4 trucks but cant figure out why anybody would spend the extra cash to get a 4x4 Jeep Grand Cherokee... Its not like it snows down here.
25. When it does "snow" down here we stop all actions and buy up all the bottled water and cat food at the piggly wiggly.
26. Insulting George Strait will get you lynched
27. "Hi how are you" is not nearly politeness its an invitation to have a 20 minute conversation with a Walmart Cashier you didnt want to talk too.
28. Yeah its the "Crimson Tide" no we dont know why there's an elephant.
29. Theres apparently only two ways to eat grits, either with or without cheese and you arent allowed to switch sides.
30. We're sure proud of the Military but dont you dare fly those damned whirly birds over top of our chicken coops at 1000 feet.
31. "The North" is not really a place, it is merely a direction out of the South.
31. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
32. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
33. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
34. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
35. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
36. Do not buy food at the movie store.
37. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
38. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
39. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
40. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
41. People walk slower here.
42. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
43. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
44. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
45. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
46. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
47. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
48. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
49. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
50. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
51. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
52. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
53. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
54. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
55. In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
56. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
57. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Only in the South does this conversation make complete sense:
Q: "Hey, you wanna coke?"
A: "Yeah."
Q: "What kind?"
A: "Dr. Pepper."
THE RULES OF THE SOUTH ARE AS FOLLOWS:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I
drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get
out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-20 & I-40 goes
east and west, I-75 & I-95 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers and combines that are driven only 3
weeks a year, and John Deere tractors that cost way over
$100,000.
6. So, every person in the south waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming
in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand.. You better hope you
don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi &
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of
November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2
pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks
in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet
and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she
better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have
long hair. And crack better refer to what those disgusting low
riding pants allow the world to see!
14. College and High School Football is as important here as
the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15.. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish and the gators.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State
Universities , Universities, Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come
outta there with an education plus a love for God and country,
and they still drive trucks and wave at everybody when they
come for the holidays.
17. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
___ ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than
we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
18. If i see your middle finger and it is meant for me,i will run you down and beat the piss out of you! We don't care how you did it up north!
19. If you build a 300K 4000 square foot house on your property we will make sure your neighbors live in the rustiest most decrepid old trailer in the country.
20. In addition to your neighbors trailer they will have family members live in an old camper out back.
21. No she didnt go to college, she graduated highschool and got a job as a waitress/bartender so she could meet some soldier here for training, get herself knocked up, and either draw half his BAH or get married and get the hell out of the State
22. No you cant buy a draft beer because that would somehow offend the baptists.
23. Bible Belt my ass Ive met more single mothers down here than at a PTA meeting.
24. Yeah we brag about our lifted 4x4 trucks but cant figure out why anybody would spend the extra cash to get a 4x4 Jeep Grand Cherokee... Its not like it snows down here.
25. When it does "snow" down here we stop all actions and buy up all the bottled water and cat food at the piggly wiggly.
26. Insulting George Strait will get you lynched
27. "Hi how are you" is not nearly politeness its an invitation to have a 20 minute conversation with a Walmart Cashier you didnt want to talk too.
28. Yeah its the "Crimson Tide" no we dont know why there's an elephant.
29. Theres apparently only two ways to eat grits, either with or without cheese and you arent allowed to switch sides.
30. We're sure proud of the Military but dont you dare fly those damned whirly birds over top of our chicken coops at 1000 feet.
31. "The North" is not really a place, it is merely a direction out of the South.
31. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
32. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
33. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
34. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
35. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
36. Do not buy food at the movie store.
37. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
38. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
39. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
40. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
41. People walk slower here.
42. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
43. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
44. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
45. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
46. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
47. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
48. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
49. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
50. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
51. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
52. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
53. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
54. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
55. In Southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
56. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
57. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Only in the South does this conversation make complete sense:
Q: "Hey, you wanna coke?"
A: "Yeah."
Q: "What kind?"
A: "Dr. Pepper."